Tuesday, August 14, 2012

A Last Ditch Effort

Here I sit before you back in Twoterville.  200.8 lbs this morning.  Remember this post?  I certainly do. 

But I can't go back, I can only go forward so here I am laying it all out there AGAIN.  I have updated the badge on this blog to show pounds to goal instead of pounds lost.  That's the number I need to focus on.

I'm moving forward from today.  Is today different?  Is today the day that everything comes together for me?  I don't know.  It feels like a good day, I feel motivated to begin.  But I know I have felt this way before.  Only time will tell.

I still cannot decide to make the break from Weight Watchers.  I don't know why.  It's like a crutch or something.  And then there's that desire I have to be a featured success story, or at least apply!  If I cancel my membership, am I cancelling that dream?  It's not as if that dream is giving me a whole lot of motivation these days so cancelling shouldn't make too much of a difference.  I guess it's just the idea of it.  I seem to have the inability to make a decision on this subject.  Ugh!

I have a funeral to go to in the coming days, and my cousin is getting married next month.  I, of course, have nothing to wear.  Do I buy something that will serve both purposes, or do I buy two things.  Do I buy something for the funeral now, and wait until closer to the wedding to buy the outfit for that?  Like maybe I'll be thinner then...

In other news, my hair is falling out!  Not in clumps, but I'm definitely shedding way more than I used to and I can see my scalp way more than I could before.  Even my hairdresser noticed!  I went to the doctor to rule out any deficiencies or thyroid issues and all is well.  Of course, I want to be healthy, but I want an answer to this hair loss.  The only other explanation is stress.  My doctor said that hair loss in relation to a stressful even usually occurs 3-6 months after the event.  Well, this shedding has been going on for awhile now, probably 3 months.  So all timelines point to the fact that it could be related to the stress of my husband returning to work, my returning to the bad place, and also switching up medications that I have taken for years.  I have since quit taking one (about 4 weeks ago) that "could" attribute to the issue.  Nothing is really concrete in that regard.  What is certain is that I'm freaking out!!  My hair is the one constant in my life.  My weight can go up and down, but my hair has always been my best feature.  At my heaviest weight ever, I still received compliments on my hair.  And now it's falling out!  So that's just something else to stress about!  It could also be the major dietary change I've made over the last 9 or so months.  Less nutrion, way more junk.

So, today, for the sake of my hair, I'm making another last ditch effort to get back on track.  (I don't know if it's "last ditch" if you keep doing it over and over, though.)  I know that if I was running and eating better, I would feel better.  That would descrease my stress level.  We have settled into being a two-working-parent family again, and while I still stress a bit over child care, it's not like it was 6-9 months ago.  School is starting soon, but I'm trying to remain calm and worry free about that.  I just want to focus on me right now.  There are three weeks left of summer!  That's hardly any time at all.  My son is away at camp this week so these first couple days of cutting out the junk should be easier when I only have to worry about me (my husband doesn't get dinner when my son is gone, LOL.)  So that's the plan.

I'm also making a last ditch effort with this blog.  My URL renewal is in October so I need to decide if I still want to whine blog about my weight issues for all the public (okay, very few public) to read about.  I haven't been very active in reading other blogs even though I know I find lots of inspiration from others.  So perhaps if I get back to doing the things I know how to do, and know are good for me, I can get back to inspiring others too.  My story can be about someone who was sick of being obese, lost 85 lbs and became a runner, gained 49 lbs and became a couch potato, and then lost 55 lbs all the while becoming a runner again.

I hope it's more than just a story.  I hope it's my life.  My health matters.