Monday, April 2, 2012

A Shift in the Darkness

Hellooooooo, anyone out there?

I am still here and still alive.  What's more is that I am finally feeling like I can move forward. 

I feel like I have lost time.  I have been struggling for months and months, living in the bad place, shrouded in darkness.  I have been trying to get help by visiting my doctor (who I now think is a quack) pretty regularly since last fall.  In all this time I have been freaking out, feeling terrible about the here and now, about the future, and pretty much everything in general.  Getting out of bed in the morning has been a chore. 

I had completely relapsed into clinical depression with a heaping helping of anxiety to go along with it.  I was very scared.  If you've not experienced it, you are very lucky.  If you do not understand it, I get that.  I have it and I don't understand it.  If you don't believe in it, well, you can just get the f--- out!  It's real.  It's not a choice, it's not something you can just turn off, you don't just "snap out of it!"  It is debilitating, and it is a medical condition.       

So...after what feels like forever, I am happy to report that the darkness has shifted and I can finally see some light.  I still have work to do and I still don't feel like myself completely, but for the first time in months, I think I might be headed towards remission.

In the meantime, I'm trying to figure out how not to blame the quack doctor for the damage he's done.  Well, I can blame him, I just don't want to get too fixated on it.  He could have helped me months ago, but instead I've been suffering and falling deeper into the darkness.  Finally, I made a choice to switch providers and all she had to do was give me a new prescription.  We haven't even tried counseling of any kind as she said it would be pointless in my current state.  She wanted to stabilize my mood at least, or better yet, lift it.  And it's like a miracle.  Just under 3 weeks later, I feel some relief.  I can only assume that as time goes by, it will only get better, especially now that I have someone looking out for me. 

As I said, I feel like I've lost time, precious time in my health journey.  I've been trying to cope with the issues while feeling miserable.  In the past, coping has meant eating.  I thought all that was behind me, but clearly it was just on the shelf.  Because as soon as the depression started, I started eating.  While the aftermath of binging is never good, the time spent doing it does offer relief.  So I kept doing it.  And now I have to learn again how to stop this habit.  Medication only helps so much and as time goes by, I'll have to recover on many levels and learn to stop using food for comfort.

I also have lots of work to do in the running department.  While I have logged a few runs here and there, my confidence is gone.  I feel as though I am starting over, not just physically, but also mentally.  Running is awesome for the mind, but getting out there and getting it done...well, baby steps...  I am considering the Couch to 5K program again, maybe an accelerated version.  It's too soon to figure that out, though.

I am trying not to beat myself up and recognize some things have been beyond my control.  I no more think I could have avoided a relapse than I think I can walk on the moon.  It won't help anything to berate myself on a daily basis for the slide back into old habits.  I can only go forward.  I have posted before about moving forward and getting back on track, but as I look back, I know it was impossible that I could have gotten back on track.  I did have some good days, some "on plan" days, but it was too easy to give up.  When everything feels hopeless, healthy eating and exercise feels unreachable and even useless.

So the point of this post is to get a few things out there, let you know where I've been, and let you know where I hope I am going.  I also want to tell anyone who may be suffering from depression and anxiety to get help immediately.  And if you are getting help, but aren't being helped, find someone else to help you.  There is no need to suffer; you're only losing time.

Talk soon.


  1. I'm here, I'm here! And I'm so very happy to see you blog again. :-)

  2. Glad you're back! Hugs to you.

  3. I was just thinking about you the other day. I'm still struggling daily and was always so inspired by you. Almost jealous. Goes to show that things aren't always as they seem. I'm very depressed, but not sure if it's clinical. At any rate, you continue to inspire me and hopefully we can both get back on track. I'm here, wishing you the very best.

  4. *hugs* Glad to see you back, and in renewed spirits. Mental health is incredibly important, can't stress that enough.