Monday, April 30, 2012

Weird Morning

Last night I went to bed with a plan of waking up early and getting on the treadmill.  There's nothing really unusual with that, except that I actually set my alarm to do it.

Long about 3:50 a.m., my body decided to be done sleeping.  But I was not getting up!  I read in bed for the next hour, all the while discussing the forthcoming workout with myself.  It started with thinking I would not do it because I woke up too early and felt too tired.  Then I started thinking about the whole running thing anyway and how maybe I don't even like it.  Maybe I should become a walker.  Maybe I should take up something else like Zumba!  And if I did get up, what would I do?  Would I try to run for a certain number of minutes, a certain distance?  Could I actually make myself get on the treadmill or should I go outside? And so on it went.

Finally about 5:10, I made up my mind: I was going to get up, bundle up, and take a walk outside.  It's a place to start and the fresh air would be good.  Unfortunately, when I was about half dressed, I realized I could hear the rain it was pouring so hard!  Um, there once was a day that wouldn't have stopped me, but today wasn't one of those days.  I whipped off my pants prepared to crawl back into bed.  BUT instead, on the way, I grabbed the shorts I planned to wear on the treadmill this morning and got dressed.  I prepared to take on the dreadmill.

Ta da!  Go me!

I went back to the basics.  I completed Week One, Day One of the Couch to 5K program.  It wasn't difficult, it got my heart pumping, and raised my confidence a bit.  I can still move! The whole workout lasted only a half an hour and I didn't sweat much, but it felt really good.

I have my menu planned out today and hope the kickstart of the morning workout will help keep me focused and "on plan."  As for my 4 day challenge of last week, I only made it three days.  :(  BUT I start this week weighing less than last and all forward motion counts!

The only trouble is that it's now only 8:35, I've barely been at work any time at all and I'm SOOOO tired!  I should be able to get to bed early tonight, though.

At this moment, I sort of have a workout plan for the week, but I sort of don't feel committed to anything either.  Day by day is the best plan.

As for this blog, I forced myself to write today.  I'm just not feeling it.  Perhaps I'm done with this whole thing, I don't know. 

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

I am ready to be done dieting!!

Yes, I said it.  I know, I know, it's not a diet, it's a life style change.  But come on, it is a diet.  Whether I'm counting Points, or calories, or servings, or whatever, it's feels like a diet and a diet feels restrictive!  And I swear, if it's restricted, I WANT it!  Of course I can eat whatever I want IF I count it, but everyone knows that eating Cheez Its or some other wonderful snack food isn't the best use of calories/Points/servings/whatever.

So for the time being I'm going to quit counting.  I know HOW to eat, I know WHAT to eat, and I know HOW MUCH to eat.  Some people think the key to weight loss is tracking your food.  This has been hammered into my head for years by Weight Watchers.  But sometimes I think tracking makes things harder, puts more focus on what you're eating (or not eating) and just all around makes your life revolve around food.  I posted about this while back when I was getting to know Paul McKenna so this is not a novel or new concept for me.  I tried awhile back to toss the food journal, but then I changed my mind and decided that Weight Watchers was the only way I could lose weight.  Sometimes I think WW is a crutch for me.  But what if it wasn't?  What if I could do this on my own just by eating less?  What if I never tracked another thing except my hunger level?  Because lately I'm so sick of counting!  I don't know.  My thoughts on this subject change from day to day, even from morning to night.  It's a cycle of desperation and self doubt is what it is.


This week I am focusing on staying on program for four days.  "On program" means not eating chocolate candy bars, not having sugary-fatty drinks from Starbucks, and no salty-bad-for-you snacks like Cheez Its.  If I can stick to this for four days, then on Thursday night I'm going to see The Lucky One as a reward.  Four days.  That might sound like hardly any time at all, but I nearly caved last night.  I actually went to the pantry, grabbed the box of Cheez Its and settled back on the couch (while watching The Biggest Loser, of course).  I opened the box slowly, contemplating the whole time about whether I really wanted to eat those things, and in the end I closed the box and put it away without having any.  VICTORY!  It's small, but I made it through.  So two of the four days done.

What happens after the four days?  Well, more days, of course.  At least I hope so. 

Thursday, April 19, 2012

No running and then a 12K?

I am still here, still wanting to blog daily, but not actually doing it.  I am continuing to work on healing my mind.  I feel so much better than I did a couple of weeks ago, but there's still much progress to be made.

I cannot ignore the fact that I have a race coming up on May 6.  It's a 12K and I am not sure what to do.  I would just plan to skip it, except that I actually signed up as part of a team to participate, a team that includes my coworkers.  That was back in February.  I didn't feel well in February, but I was hoping that having the event scheduled would get me out the door for a run.  It didn't work as I've hardly run in 2012 at all.  Now I am faced with whether to bail on the team or just suck it up and do it.  Last year I ran this race and even then I was excited about the next year's race.  Now that the event is looming I know a PR is out of the question, running the entire distance is out of the question, and possibly even getting to the starting line is out of the question.  I just don't think I can do it.

My confidence level is completely in the dumper, and I feel like if I do this race it will only hurt my efforts to regain it.

Of course, on the flip side, I could do this race and surprise myself.  If only I could foresee the future...

Monday, April 2, 2012

A Shift in the Darkness

Hellooooooo, anyone out there?

I am still here and still alive.  What's more is that I am finally feeling like I can move forward. 

I feel like I have lost time.  I have been struggling for months and months, living in the bad place, shrouded in darkness.  I have been trying to get help by visiting my doctor (who I now think is a quack) pretty regularly since last fall.  In all this time I have been freaking out, feeling terrible about the here and now, about the future, and pretty much everything in general.  Getting out of bed in the morning has been a chore. 

I had completely relapsed into clinical depression with a heaping helping of anxiety to go along with it.  I was very scared.  If you've not experienced it, you are very lucky.  If you do not understand it, I get that.  I have it and I don't understand it.  If you don't believe in it, well, you can just get the f--- out!  It's real.  It's not a choice, it's not something you can just turn off, you don't just "snap out of it!"  It is debilitating, and it is a medical condition.       

So...after what feels like forever, I am happy to report that the darkness has shifted and I can finally see some light.  I still have work to do and I still don't feel like myself completely, but for the first time in months, I think I might be headed towards remission.

In the meantime, I'm trying to figure out how not to blame the quack doctor for the damage he's done.  Well, I can blame him, I just don't want to get too fixated on it.  He could have helped me months ago, but instead I've been suffering and falling deeper into the darkness.  Finally, I made a choice to switch providers and all she had to do was give me a new prescription.  We haven't even tried counseling of any kind as she said it would be pointless in my current state.  She wanted to stabilize my mood at least, or better yet, lift it.  And it's like a miracle.  Just under 3 weeks later, I feel some relief.  I can only assume that as time goes by, it will only get better, especially now that I have someone looking out for me. 

As I said, I feel like I've lost time, precious time in my health journey.  I've been trying to cope with the issues while feeling miserable.  In the past, coping has meant eating.  I thought all that was behind me, but clearly it was just on the shelf.  Because as soon as the depression started, I started eating.  While the aftermath of binging is never good, the time spent doing it does offer relief.  So I kept doing it.  And now I have to learn again how to stop this habit.  Medication only helps so much and as time goes by, I'll have to recover on many levels and learn to stop using food for comfort.

I also have lots of work to do in the running department.  While I have logged a few runs here and there, my confidence is gone.  I feel as though I am starting over, not just physically, but also mentally.  Running is awesome for the mind, but getting out there and getting it done...well, baby steps...  I am considering the Couch to 5K program again, maybe an accelerated version.  It's too soon to figure that out, though.

I am trying not to beat myself up and recognize some things have been beyond my control.  I no more think I could have avoided a relapse than I think I can walk on the moon.  It won't help anything to berate myself on a daily basis for the slide back into old habits.  I can only go forward.  I have posted before about moving forward and getting back on track, but as I look back, I know it was impossible that I could have gotten back on track.  I did have some good days, some "on plan" days, but it was too easy to give up.  When everything feels hopeless, healthy eating and exercise feels unreachable and even useless.

So the point of this post is to get a few things out there, let you know where I've been, and let you know where I hope I am going.  I also want to tell anyone who may be suffering from depression and anxiety to get help immediately.  And if you are getting help, but aren't being helped, find someone else to help you.  There is no need to suffer; you're only losing time.

Talk soon.