Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Welcome 2012

So, I'm back!  The past couple of months have flown by for me.  Let me catch you up.  Since I last left you I have been running very little and gaining very much weight.  And that is very, very scary!

I am currently 20 pounds heavier than my lowest recorded weight!  Yes, you read that right!  Crap!

Unfortunately, I am one of those people who is effected a lot by the winter blues and unfortunately this year it started for me much earlier. I'm trying to get out of the funk, but for some reason I'm still stuck.  I tell myself to just get on the treadmill or even go out for a walk, but I can't bring myself to do it.  And the more I don't run, the more pounds creep on, and the worse I feel.  The worse I feel, the worse I eat, the more tired I am, the less I want to run.  It's a viscious cycle, of course.

It's not just the weather, it's a few things at home too.  I'm really happy that my husband is working, but I have not found the balance yet.  It's been hard for me to not have him at home to take care of our child, it's hard for me to have my child attend the after school program.  I also have to find time to go shopping and do laundry and anything else that needs doing.  It's not that my husband isn't helping out now, he is, but more things are falling on me to take care of too.  This transition has just been a lot harder than I was expecting.  There's also a little bit of the worry that it will all fall apart too, that he'll get laid off or lose his job for whatever reason and then we'll be back to the worry and turmoil of not having enough money to live.  I know, I know, I'm not supposed to think like that, life is meant to be lived, not worried about (PFG Jen said that the other day and I loved it), but as a chronic worrier, it's a hard thing.  It just is.  Our schedule is also different too.  He has to be to work from 8 to 5 whereas I have more flexibility.  Getting our child to and from school falls on me now and than changes my schedule quite a bit.  My husband is also more tired now and wants to go to bed way early, or is falling asleep on the couch.  I'm just not used to this.  I'm sure as time goes by I'll adapt, but for now, it's hard.

I'm also worried about my cat and the fact that he is now worth over $2,000, but refuses to eat.  It was a combination of vet bills ending with a surgery over the weekend to remove a Nerf dart tip from his small intestine (yes, you can laugh).  Basically he nearly died, and while right now I'm thinking maybe I should have let him go, I know that I have to try my hardest to get him to eat so that doesn't happen.  I chose to spend the money to save him and now I have to see that he remembers how to eat in order to stay alive.  But it's making me stressed.  You can bet I am thankful he's alive, and you can be assured I'm also glad it's just my cat and not my son who is sick, but I still worry.  Worry about having spent all this money, worry about having had to skimp on other things (like birthday presents for my husband) in order to keep him alive.  Was it the right thing?  I guess I don't even need to ask why since what's done is done.  But as I was force feeding him pureed chicken earlier this even, I was really questioning myself.  And I'm praying very hard for him.

Do I have the answer?  No!  If you'd have told me six months ago this is where I'd be today, I'd have said you were crazy and laughed.  But, here I be.

I did get on the treadmill yesterday (2 miles) and I did have a very good day of eating so I call that a win.  I tracked all my points too.  Today was my husband's birthday and we went out to dinner where I endulged in the macaroni and cheese at Red Robin.  It was tasty!  But that, combined with the pita chips I ate before we left, really dug into my weekly points allowance.  Not a great day for the 2nd day on plan.

I'm not trying to have resolutions because they don't work, I'm just trying to get back on track.  Long about Thanksgiving I basically decided to focus on geting my mind healthy to get through the holidays.  After the new year, I would try to focus more on my physical health as well as the mental aspect.  Of course it's all related.  The worse I feel physically, the worse I feel mentally, and I don't work out and I eat poorly.  And then I feel worse.  And the self loathing begins and that never leads to good things...and wait, didn't I already go over this above?

Well, anyway, I don't have the answers and I don't think I'm in a good place to make life changes at this time, but you know what?  When will I be?  The more time that's passed, the worse I feel, so why not today?  Each day is a new day.  I had a great day yesterday and a not so great day today, but who says I can't have an even better day tomorrow?  Walk the walk and maybe soon I'll talk the talk?  I don't know, let's leave the cliches to the experts.

I have no resolutions, but I do have goals.  My goal for 2012 is to make it to my goal weight, run at least one "race" each month from March to October, and complete another half marathon with a PR.  Considering my 2 mile run yesterday was quite difficult, I know that I have to kick it up a notch in order to be ready to run 5 miles in mid-March.

So I have a three month plan right now which culminates with a 5 mile event right around St. Paddy's day, and then a hope that I've lost a good bit of weight, at least back to where I was before, by the end of March.  I'm taking it a week at a time.  My goal for this week is to track all my points and run three times, on Monday (2 miles), Wednesday (2 miles), and Friday (2.5 miles).  That is all.  That should be no thang! 

My 2012 race schedule looks like this:

March: St. Paddy's Five 3/11/12 (5 miles)
April: Spring Dash  4/22/12 (5 miles)
May: Bloomsday 5/6/12 (12K)
May: CDA 5K 5/27/12
June: ??? (might not complete one because of two in May and July, though)
July: See Jane Run Half Marathon 7/15/12
July: Spokane Indians 8K Pennant Run 7/?/12
August: Dwight Dash 10K 8/25/12
September: Iron Girl 10K Seattle 9/9/12
October: Spokane 10K 10/?/12

What I'd really like to find is a race buddy.  We don't have to train together, although that would be nice, but we could just go to the race together, line up together, and meet up after.  Otherwise, I'm looking at doing most of these events all by myself.  And while that's okay, it's not ideal.  But so far, it's looking like I'll be a solo racer.

And now my cat just peed in the tub.  Great, something else to worry about, that he'll forget how to use a litter box!

Here's hoping for a better tomorrow.

Do you suffer from SAD?  How do you get out of a slump? 


  1. Yay! You're back. I'm a lurker. I, too, suffer from SAD, sometimes strongly, other times not. I try to focus on exercise being good for my head. The other benefits follow. It's usually the only way to get out the door - I live in Seattle so you understand!

    I understand the balance thing. Just when I think things are in a groove...Hang in there! Focus on keeping your head healthy and the rest will follow through.

    And congrats on lining up your races. Great motivation to eat right and exercise.

    Glad you are back! Lisa

  2. I certainly understand that cycle. :\ I think for a while after moving to California, I had reverse SAD ... it was so sunny all the time (it very rarely rains where I am) that I felt like I had to go out and do stuff every day ... my Chicago mentality is still "soak up the sun while it lasts." I need to remind myself to take days off, that it's okay to rest, that overdoing it is just as bad as underdoing it.

    Your race schedule looks great! I am excited for a new year and more races, too. :)

  3. I dread winter - it's cold and very dark in Colorado, and we live close to the mountains so we get kind of shafted with sunlight in the wintertime. It's totally depressing and I've noticed that I do feel worse, especially in January and February when it's the coldest and seemingly the darkest!