So my first week of *trying* to watch it while getting back on the treadmill yielded one run and a gain of .6 pounds. Go me! Seriously, how lame am I? And I mean that in the sweetest possible way, I mean, I love myself, I don't loathe myself. At least I'm trying not to. It's very hard. Dangit.
I read a great post today by Tricia and Endurance isn't only Physical (here). She put into words so much of what I've been feeling or was feeling during the latter part of last year regarding this blog. I found myself wanting a successful blog, a blog people turned to as a resource, a blog businesses relied upon for product reviews. I kept measuring myself up to this standard (that I created in my own pinhead) and when I wasn't meeting it the mark, I felt like a failure. And I kind of let that feeling drive me away from this blog. And I've really missed this blog.
I'm a journaler (not a word according to blogger). I have kept a journal ever since I was in junior high (1988). I love to write. I'm not necessarily a good writer, but I love to put my thoughts on a page. My most favorite medium for journaling (another nonword) is pen and paper which takes a lot longer and makes my hand hurt. It also doesn't come with spell check. But it doesn't matter because my journal is for me and me alone and it doesn't matter if I write THERE instead of THEIR or something like that. Of course, while I say it's for me, I do write it always with the sense that someone will read it someday. Someday, after I'm gone, either my husband (probably not) or my son (maybe) or my son's wife (nosey bitch) will probably read it and for that reason I always keep things fairly calm. I never say too much about one person or some persons for fear that information could get out to the wrong people someday. Because the truth of it is that I could die tomorrow and my journals would still be here for any inquiring mind. So I keep it real, but I also keep it nice, so to speak, always writing with the idea that someone will read it someday.
That same thing holds true for this blog except I seem to not be as comfortable writing for some reason. I started the blog fairly anonymously and never told anyone about it except my husband. After a few months I told my best friend and then another friend. But that is all. Well, then last fall a couple people that I actually know in real life became followers of this blog, and I found that it kind of shut me up, but also made me want the successful blog even more. Like, I could be cool with my blog and what not. Well, turns out, that's not for me. This blog is for me and I guess in order to keep it going and to keep doing what I want to do, I have to not care as much who is reading and what they are thinking. I need to be able to be completely honest with myself on this journey. Because it's my journey. Yes, if you get something out of it, or if I can help you or inspire you, I will love that so much. But if you hate me, think I'm a dork, a Negative Nelly or Debbie Downer, well, that's too bad. Because this is me. All of me. My flaws but also my gifts and talents and attributes.
That being said, over the weekend I lost a follower (I have no idea whom, it's not like I keep an list of names or anything). Why should losing a nameless follower bugs me when I know that the number of followers means nothing. But still, I guess I have the overwhelming desire to be liked. Please like me. Like my blog.
Okay, anyway, this blog is mine and I need to get back to it. And what I need it for right (just typed 'write' instead of 'right'--wouldn't have mattered in the journal) now is to help me get back on track. I am starting to feel a bit like I have failed, or I have relapsed, or something like it. I have said before that I feel like I am a food addict. I am addicted to food, much like others become addicted to cigarettes or alcohol. I honestly feel like I've relapsed or fallen off the wagon. And I need to get back on. I cannot go back to obesity; I cannot go back to the couch. I will get back to where I was AND beyond. In the meantime, I will use this blog to ramble on and on about what it's going to take to get there. And while I hope you're along for the ride, I can't worry about making YOU happy along the way.
Why do you blog? Are you a guarded blogger, or a tell all blogger?