It's crazy around here lately. I have just one thing to say: I'm scaring myself.
Last night, long after dinner, long after all the points were used up, I sat on the couch eating Special K crackers. Now, as snacks go, there are far worse things, but why did I have to eat so many? And why was I eating like 5 at a time?!
One of the things I have been focusing on during this journey is eating slower and taking more care in enjoying my food. For this reason, I take one bite, chew it completely, swallow, then take another. When I eat crackers or other snacks like it, I take one bit, chew it completely, swallow. Last night, I was eating 5 crackers at once, chomping a little, and shoving more in. These are not the habits of person in control.
I've noticed that I have been slipping up a lot lately and I don't like it. Not one little bit. But I can't seem to stay motivated to do anything about it for longer than one day.
But I'm here today saying that a change is in store. I have started journaling my foods and exercise in a paper journal instead of online. While I thought journaling online was becoming a pain, I'm finding that using paper is far worse. BUT it's much easier to look back over day and reflect on what was good and what wasn't so good. I also thought it would be easier to turn off the eating for the day: all lines filled? No more eating. Sadly, last night I just penciled in my crackers below it all, along with a big sad face. :(
One problem area is definitely right after work upon arriving home and starting dinner. At this point all I want is to snack, snack, snack. Usually on cheese or yogurt. Not too bad in small quantities, very bad in 3 or 4 packages at a time. Later, after dinner is finished and the dishes are done, homework is complete, and my son is in bed, out comes the popcorn or other salty snack like chips. Chips and cheese if I'm feeling extra saucy! No good can come of this.
And it hasn't. Evidence is in the scale. And I admit, Monday's huge gain really threw me because I really hadn't eaten that bad over the week. I have had other weeks where I did far worse and did not have such a gain. I got that feeling of nothing I do matters, so let me go ahead and eat whatever the hell I want. But this kind of crappy attitude breeds more crappy attitude. And self loathing. And it's the self loathing that will get you, or at least me. I start questioning everything I've done up until this point, forgetting much of the success, and worrying more about not getting to my final goal.
Well, that's just crazy and I've got to stop that NOW! I need to keep moving forward, keep focused on my goal. Right now my goal has a number and it is 100. I want to lose 100 pounds. When I get to that point, I will reevaluate and see where I want to be. It might be right there, it might be a few pounds more or less. I'm committed to finding my happy weight, and I know it will take some work to figure out what that is. But first I have to get to 100.
The bottom line is what I'm putting in my mouth. Yes, I could exercise my little brains out, but if I eat 5,000 calories a day, I probably won't get to goal. It might not even be the science of it, but more the self hatred that's sure to follow if I start shoveling in food like we're headed into famine.
I'm so close to the finish that I need get my eyes out of the refrigerator and onto the prize. 100. 100. 100. You don't need chips, you need 100. You don't need that 3rd container of yogurt, you need 100. You don't need to sleep later, you need 100. You don't need to stay up and watch TV, you need 100. Whatever I don't need, I need 100.
I'm going to get to 100. I just need to put on my big girl panties (in this case that means my size 10 jeans!) and get the job done! It doesn't matter how long it takes to get there, as long as I know I'm doing all I can to make it happen.
Motivation is when your dreams put on work clothes. ~Author Unknown
Today's (morning) run: 3.33 miles at 11:05/mile pace.