Sunday, October 3, 2010

I am Human

I've been debating about something for the past couple of days.  Last Thursday I posted about a plan to cut out dairy for one month.  I was resolved to do this at the time, yet I could not even make it one day.  I haven't had yogurt, but I've had milk, butter and cheese.  So I've been debating about fessing up to this or just deleting the post about dairy altogether.  I hate admitting my mistakes and failures yet that is what this blog is all about, I guess.  So here I am, letting everyone know that I cannot make it without dairy even one single day.  It's not as if dairy is chocolate or candy or cake or something else incredibly detrimental to my weight loss, but on Thursday I had made up my mind to try going without it for one month, and I was completely convinced that I would be able to do it.  Now I feel like a failure--again.

So this has led me into further soul searching.  (Doesn't that sound deep?  It's really not.)  I'm reminded of so many times when I *planned* to do something, start a diet, start an exercise program, go to bed earlier, etc., only to have the plan fly out the window within a day or so.  There is nothing better to fuel the fire of self loathing than to back out of a deal you made with yourself.  And why is that?  Why do we have to beat ourselves up so much?  What good does it do?  I have been somewhat off plan this entire week and I have been so down about it.  And why?  It really serves no purpose except to make me feel bad.  It's not like I berate myself completely and then get right back on plan with a renewed resolve.  Usually the opposite.  I berate myself completely and then when the craving for chips or popcorn comes up I say well, I've already ruined the week, why not?   

How do you stop beating yourself up and start loving yourself?  I have a hard time even congratulating myself on losing 70 lbs.  Because while I feel great about it, those feelings are easily overshadowed by the disgust at having to lose that much in the first place.  So how do we let go of the past and move on?  I have a post-it note on my bulletin board right here next to me in my home office where I've written, "Don't look back; always looks ahead."  But do I do that?  No, I seem to be stuck in the failings of yesterday.

I wish I could sum this up by saying I'm making a change starting today.  But I can't because that would probably be just another *plan* that doesn't last the next 24 hours, and I know it's an evolving process anyway.  I can make the effort to be kinder to myself, and at the end of each day I can consciously focus on the good I have done that day instead of the bad.  I can try not to waste precious time during each day with self loathing.  I can strive to be a more positive person.  Positive people are happier people, aren't they?  I've been a pessimist for 36 years, I'd really like to try optimism on for size.

Today's positive focus is on the 3.2 mile run I completed this morning which was followed by day 3 of the Shred.  I want to tell you that my muscles are so sore from the Shred.  My legs felt like lead during my run today, but I also felt empowered to MOVE.  I like that the workout feels complete but still only lasts 20 minutes.  It's really awesome.  And I am so much stronger than the first time I tried to do it several months ago.  That is a wonderful feeling!

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